Here I am God

I am Jeannine, a compulsive over eater recovering One Day at a time by the grace of my God!

Here I am God….another day trying to reconnect with you after the storm. It is so much harder,  when I don’t use You as my umbrella while going through the storms, to come back to life on life’s terms. I know you are there and I know I can count on you during them but sometimes I just can’t let you in. This makes me very sad because I feel that I can’t trust you during these times, but I know from past experiences that you are right there. It is me trying to control everything and everyone around me. Sometimes I just want to give up and many times I do. It is easier to just throw in the towel God and find my comfort in the food. These little whirlwinds that I call storms just set me back. I can’t control the one who stole my jewelry, or that Mr. Nate at 21 has the chicken pox and that I have to miss work to care for my special needs adult son. I can’t control how my children get angry with me and say hurtful things because I voice my opinions, I can’t control my husband’s depression and lack of interest in us! I can’t control my compulsions that take over my being. And I know that YOU can….yet I chose to ignore you thinking I can do this better than you.

While contemplating getting a new sponsor this morning or calling someone to listen to me that is a twelve stepper or an OAer, I picked up Voices of Recovery and read for October 1st. This tells me I have to reach out and ask for help not only from God but my fellow OAers. So today I am calling someone new and I am going to just let it all out.

For Today: October 1st tells me to get to a meeting instead of trying to do this on my own. I haven’t been to a meeting in over a month. I can’t believe how God does speak to me in everything that I have touched today. Afterall when I meditate daily, go to meetings, talk to my sponsor everything just falls into place for me and my loved ones.

Proverbs 1 tells me the same thing Start with God he won’t turn his back on me. Don’t turn a deaf ear on God. He is there all the times when you needed Him most and I have ignored Him because I thought I could handle my life without Him….well I can’t …He can….today I will let Him!

And life goes on….with or without GOD!

It has been a very trying last couple of weeks. I am hanging on by a thread and still abstinent,  but feel, even  that is in jeopardy for each and  every day that I shut God, OA and my family out of my life. Sometimes when I am in the clutches of real life, real pain I get through it by the grace of God but come crashing down in the aftermath! As much as I know that God will help, it is at these times that I find it hardest to ask and pray and sometimes just go on. Now my pain is small to many but to me in the moment it is huge. Especially when I have dealt with things and remained in contact with God and civilization and I was fine. It just seems that when it comes to my kids I crumble. I don’t know if it is because I feel I have failed when they mess up and I just can’t handle that or what? I have no idea. I put them in God’s hands most times but I guess I get impatient. Or when things happen that I just can’t believe are happening or why they are well it’s just too much.

Like all people my life has had its ups and downs. I feel very blessed to have a loving husband of 39 years, 7 children, 4 son in-laws, a daughter in law and 7 grandchildren with 4 on the way in January ( yes 4! my daughter is expecting triplets and my daughter in law is pregnant), I have a job, my husband has a job, we have a home, reliable cars etc etc etc. I guess most of what I ask for from God is for Him to change others so that I can live my life. When I say these words they are funny to me now. Afterall what is the serenity prayer.

Everything was going along pretty normal with little side tracks here and there but I handled them with God on my side. I even strongly believe that God had His hand in what I am about to tell you…and only a OA person or person of faith  would understand this. When I was at work last Thursday someone out of the blue asked me why I don’t have a wedding ring on my finger (that was strange in itself ~God), I was a taken aback because I didn’t know how to answer her. The reason I haven’t worn it is because it doesn’t fit. I told her that they fit better in the winter when my hands aren’t as swollen and left it at that. Then I started thinking that it would probably fit now because since my abstinence I have lost about ten pounds. So the whole way home from work I was so excited to get it out at home and slide it on with ease (doesn’t take much to excite me). Got home went straight to my jewelry box and it was gone….along with my mothers ring and an older setting with baguettes that was replaced on our 25th anniversary (my husband got down on his knees at Niagara Falls and asked me to marry him again) with my current one that is absolutely gorgeous. I can’t even remember the last time I wore that ring because I have been working on my abstinence since coming to OA but I think it was probably like 3 months ago that I know all 3 rings were there. The Mothers ring was missing a 7th stone so that’s why that wasn’t being used.

Well to make this longer story shorter now!! It turns out that my 21-year-old son (the twin of my mentally challenged son) had a friend of his spend the night (without our permission) a couple of weeks ago…I had words with him over that at the time. Zack’s choice of friends is not a healthy choice in my opinion of being a mom of 7. We have been through so much with this child of mine. We had a break in while on vacation 2 years ago and they wiped us clean of 7 grand in items. My 32-year-old son had Zack house sit and dog sit while they were away about 2 years ago also, and Zack had a party, he went to sleep and awoke to that house being wiped clean. So he has a very poor choice of friends. My older children want me to kick him out.

The police have been called, a report made, a picture of my  beautiful ring (took pictures after the last break in) submitted. That’s all I can do for now. I know God was telling me through that co-worker that something was going on and He had his hand in it. I also know that these are just material things that I can’t take with me when I die. I laugh because this one of the things that  abstinence has brought me. So it has been a week of anger mostly at my son for his choices in life and how they affect us his family and most of all his twin with all of his needs. I worry more about Zack than I have any of the other six children. He is like a lost soul and I pray everyday for him that he finds his way. I also have found myself saying the resentment prayer for that sad little friend (ex friend who won’t answer his texts or calls) of his and by gosh it is working and helping me to get on with my life and thank God for showing me the way. I pray now to God…..OK God show me what to do now!

God will help me…if I let Him!

I am Jeannine, a compulsive overeater, recovering One Day at a Time by the grace of my God!

Voices of Recovery: September 11 I realized that God would help me with compulsive eating just recently, like within the last year. It is a known that God will help me with my eating (I have witnessed this in others and have experienced this myself) but I have to be willing and I am not always willing. I try very hard to be willing and I pray for the willingness to happen but am sometimes so disappointed in myself that I don’t just give all to God. It is just amazing how when I really open up to God and ask Him to help, He comes through for me. I can hardly believe it and feel like a miracle is happening. It is during these times I vow to not go it alone ever again. That doesn’t always happen. Usually something happens and I slip away ever so slowly. It is so much harder to get back up during these times. This is when my program’s tools come in handy, especially the telephone. Writing within the past month has helped me tremendously. Writing lets me release all that bottled up junk that keeps me in the food. It is so simple as this reading states “I ask, I receive” and I do every time. I can just feel this peace come over me throughout my day. I feel myself slowly catching my breath. I can breathe in life again. This is a great feeling.

Compulsion and Acceptance

I am Jeannine, a compulsive overeater, recovering one day at a time by the Grace of God.

Proverbs 5  I took this reading today to replace the “seductive woman” with the word compulsion. My compulsion with food will cause gravel in my moutha pain in my guta wound in my heart. When I am in my compulsion with food it destroys everything about me. I literally can’t function…nor do I want to function. Once I take that first compulsive bite I am doomed and my life is ruined. Now I wake up in the mornings feeling refreshed and alive ready to start a new day. What a great feeling this is rather than waking up and not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings.

Voices of Recovery September 5th After my weekend this reading just says it all. Acceptance is calling my name here. I must accept others for who they are. One of my character defects is that I have to control others and just tell them what to do. When I really think about this….I think how would I like someone else telling or even suggesting what I do with my body, my moods, my feelings? I surely would not like that nor would I let that happen to me. Then why is it OK for me to do it? It’s not OK! How sad that I would think it is. Now that I am abstinent I am having to deal with all of these things while remaining abstinent. That is the challenge and I have begun that journey and faced some challenges while remaining abstinent. I could not have accomplished this if it were not for God and OA. For these I am ever so grateful.

My Weekend to Remember

I am Jeannine, a compulsive overeater, recovering one day at a time by the Grace of my God!

Voices of Recovery:September 4th…….This last weekend was very hard for me. My weekends are always so rough on me. Why? because I am home, not working, dealing with my family of men whom I live with. Working keeps me on a schedule. I eat at certain times every day, wake up at certain times during a work week, I meditate in the mornings, get my son ready and on the bus, take the same highway to work each day, I pray the rosary on my way to work each morning. Then whamo!!!!! comes the weekend when all of these things seem, at most times, to be put on hold until Monday morning comes around.

It is sad that God gets put on hold. I don’t mean for Him to be put on hold and it rather disgusts me that I do for the most part. This last weekend wasn’t like most though. Even though it was a very hard weekend and I prayed a lot, got angry a lot but mostly told God that I cannot do my normal praying because I just could not express the feelings I had inside of me.

But God knew what was going on and He helped me more than I belive He ever has in the past. I went through one of my roughest weekends, crying, screaming, making amends all while remaining abstinent. Now that is what I have asked God to give me and He did and for that I am grateful.


This entry was posted on September 4, 2012. 4 Comments

Am I lovable?

I am Jeannine, a compulsive overeater recovering one day at a time by the Grace of God.

Voices of Recovery  August 29th: “We will love you until you love yourself.” After being in the OA program for 5 years I still don’t feel the love that this passage describes. I know they say they care and love me…and they show it by asking how I am . This passage describes exactly how I feel –> “On the surface I acted as if I believed that others loved me, but inside I truly believed that if anyone really got to know me, they would find me unacceptable.” I continue to struggle with this but it seems to be getting easier as I attend more meetings or become more involved. I guess I just feel so in place at meetings where they do understand me, that I want close friendships like some of the people have. I want so badly to go to the World Convention in my own area this year but I am so afraid of being alone at it. I am afraid to even ask others because they may have made plans with their long time OA friends. So I don’t know what to do. I need to put it in God’s hands and if I should go then it will be! I am hearing in my head lately when I pray that I need to reach out more and share myself with others…the real me…and when I start to love me for me I am sure many doors will open. Until then I will keep going back and work the program because it works if I work it….this I know.

Give my food to God!

My name is Jeannine, I am a  compulsive overeater recovering one day at a time by the Grace of God.

Voices of Recovery:  August 27th: “One day I realized my lack of faith when I looked down at my plate, feeling an overwhelming sense of fear and panic. There was not enough food! My doubt in my Higher Power became obvious to me.” Wow! I have done this many times, especially when just starting to eat something and not being able to put it in my mouth quick enough. Thinking: “ this will not be enough for me I need more” knowing that I am eating for reasons not related to nourishment. I am eating to fill a void. Someone made me mad, I made a mistake at work, someone made a comment, one of my kids called crying etc. etc. the list is endless. Food solved all of my problems. Never once did I consider giving my problems to God….I gave them to food..who was unresponsive to my needs and filled that void only temporarily.

I do not believe I have put my food in God’s hands. I have asked Him to give me willingness, I have asked Him to take my children, husband and problems….but I don’t remember ever giving Him my food and I have been in this program for 5 years. To me this is sad but also shows me that I am in the right frame of mind now to really hear and do this. If I get up each day and give Him my food like I give Him people, situations and things how can I go wrong? I can’t! God has shown me that He will handle my son’s addictions or my worries over my special needs son. God shows me over and over and over that He will take care of me no matter what. I must ask and He listens. It is like working the first 3 steps…. I can’t (step 1), God can (step 2), I will let Him (step 3). I feel like I discovered something new this morning and am so excited to start including giving my food to God everyday.

“Since then I put my food and faith in God’s hands and my old enemy, the disease, weakens on a daily basis.” Now I know this to be true because I have put my faith in God so much more in the last 3 weeks than I ever have…and I have been abstinent almost that long. My enemy is weakening on a daily basis thanks to God’s grace. Now I have one more thing to put in His hands ….. MY FOOD!