It has been a very trying last couple of weeks. I am hanging on by a thread and still abstinent, but feel, even that is in jeopardy for each and every day that I shut God, OA and my family out of my life. Sometimes when I am in the clutches of real life, real pain I get through it by the grace of God but come crashing down in the aftermath! As much as I know that God will help, it is at these times that I find it hardest to ask and pray and sometimes just go on. Now my pain is small to many but to me in the moment it is huge. Especially when I have dealt with things and remained in contact with God and civilization and I was fine. It just seems that when it comes to my kids I crumble. I don’t know if it is because I feel I have failed when they mess up and I just can’t handle that or what? I have no idea. I put them in God’s hands most times but I guess I get impatient. Or when things happen that I just can’t believe are happening or why they are well it’s just too much.
Like all people my life has had its ups and downs. I feel very blessed to have a loving husband of 39 years, 7 children, 4 son in-laws, a daughter in law and 7 grandchildren with 4 on the way in January ( yes 4! my daughter is expecting triplets and my daughter in law is pregnant), I have a job, my husband has a job, we have a home, reliable cars etc etc etc. I guess most of what I ask for from God is for Him to change others so that I can live my life. When I say these words they are funny to me now. Afterall what is the serenity prayer.
Everything was going along pretty normal with little side tracks here and there but I handled them with God on my side. I even strongly believe that God had His hand in what I am about to tell you…and only a OA person or person of faith would understand this. When I was at work last Thursday someone out of the blue asked me why I don’t have a wedding ring on my finger (that was strange in itself ~God), I was a taken aback because I didn’t know how to answer her. The reason I haven’t worn it is because it doesn’t fit. I told her that they fit better in the winter when my hands aren’t as swollen and left it at that. Then I started thinking that it would probably fit now because since my abstinence I have lost about ten pounds. So the whole way home from work I was so excited to get it out at home and slide it on with ease (doesn’t take much to excite me). Got home went straight to my jewelry box and it was gone….along with my mothers ring and an older setting with baguettes that was replaced on our 25th anniversary (my husband got down on his knees at Niagara Falls and asked me to marry him again) with my current one that is absolutely gorgeous. I can’t even remember the last time I wore that ring because I have been working on my abstinence since coming to OA but I think it was probably like 3 months ago that I know all 3 rings were there. The Mothers ring was missing a 7th stone so that’s why that wasn’t being used.
Well to make this longer story shorter now!! It turns out that my 21-year-old son (the twin of my mentally challenged son) had a friend of his spend the night (without our permission) a couple of weeks ago…I had words with him over that at the time. Zack’s choice of friends is not a healthy choice in my opinion of being a mom of 7. We have been through so much with this child of mine. We had a break in while on vacation 2 years ago and they wiped us clean of 7 grand in items. My 32-year-old son had Zack house sit and dog sit while they were away about 2 years ago also, and Zack had a party, he went to sleep and awoke to that house being wiped clean. So he has a very poor choice of friends. My older children want me to kick him out.
The police have been called, a report made, a picture of my beautiful ring (took pictures after the last break in) submitted. That’s all I can do for now. I know God was telling me through that co-worker that something was going on and He had his hand in it. I also know that these are just material things that I can’t take with me when I die. I laugh because this one of the things that abstinence has brought me. So it has been a week of anger mostly at my son for his choices in life and how they affect us his family and most of all his twin with all of his needs. I worry more about Zack than I have any of the other six children. He is like a lost soul and I pray everyday for him that he finds his way. I also have found myself saying the resentment prayer for that sad little friend (ex friend who won’t answer his texts or calls) of his and by gosh it is working and helping me to get on with my life and thank God for showing me the way. I pray now to God…..OK God show me what to do now!